Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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