I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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