Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
