he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
