So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
