Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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