My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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