Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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