Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
