I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
