If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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