my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Holy shit dude........stairs
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