I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
