Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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