she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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