One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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