I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
