this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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