i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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