Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
