doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
