and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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