I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
