no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
