i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize