I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
