I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Just invented taco cereal.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
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