You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
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