that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
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