I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
