is your mom at the bar?
I need help removing her.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
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