im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
