I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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