Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
i would one night stand the shit outta him
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
