I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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