I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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