Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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