Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Randomize
