I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
