SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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