Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I said "one day" and that day is not today
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
