its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize