Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
