I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
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