I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
