I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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