Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
