Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
