Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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