I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
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