Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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