do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
this boner is exhausting
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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