Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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