Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
