i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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