Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize