are you still at the devil's house?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
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