I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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