i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
