I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I supernannyed him into submission
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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