I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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