Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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