i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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